I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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