i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
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Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
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All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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