Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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