I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
