I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
