no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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