When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My breasts were aching with rage.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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