plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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