Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
