its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
