He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
