And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
