Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
