Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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