You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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