The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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