Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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