he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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