I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
