the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
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No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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