sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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