Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
