I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
