Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
