tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
