I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You made out with two different species that night
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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