Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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