You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
