It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
