shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
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He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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