I can tuck mytits in my pants
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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