How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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