I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
