the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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