dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
