I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
