she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
