Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
