meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
