There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize