So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
