will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
FUCK WHALES
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
