she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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