I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Blood and glitter go together right?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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