I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
