I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
