we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
