Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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