In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
