Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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