at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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