only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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