I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
