I accidentally had phone sex last night
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
