I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
