How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's never too late to be topless.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
