Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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