I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
