I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just invented taco cereal.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
