Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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