I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
