Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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