but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
