**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
