nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
