I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
