I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
